The Supermarket Guy

Uncle Tootleminder coughed up some phlegm and burped "You like that more modern pay scale, now don't yah! And, you can pay me in cash until you earn your money your old pap stole from me 20 years ago and still trying to count that high. I will show yeah my still, located in the big barn just over yonder!" Harold slapped his Uncle on the shoulder "I cannot wait to get my hands dirty, Uncle. Just imagine all of the responsibility and honesty I will learn out of this job! Show me your Moonshine trees! I will water them every day, and love each and every one of them!" Uncle Tootleminder looked surprisingly at his nephew as they walked towards the barn doors. He almost spit out his moonshine again "Moonshine trees? You are some funny, kid. You nearly had me fooled in thinking you were a total dummy. Ahh, but you are my family! Great teasers!" The doors opened wide now, as Harold dropped his jaw in awe. There was a big tank, leading into another tank,...

Uncle Tootleminder took another drink of his powerful moonshine concoction from his overly large mason jar. It looked much like an egg pickling jar, and it was nearly half gone since Harold had just arrived, not too long ago. He wiped his lips again "Your Dad and I took a one way taxi from Vegas to Maine. Then, when heading across the Penobscot river, your father opened the door as the taxi was driving at high speed. The taxi driver then screeched his brakes, and looked behind as your Dad jumped into the river to swim over to his secluded camp just a few thousand feet, but unreachable by road might I add, at 3 am in the morning! Well, the taxi driver held out his hand and said 'Guess you are going to pay the bill, son. Your friend seemed to be in need of a cold shower tonight' So I was left holding the several thousand dollar taxi bill for the cab!" Harold then took a smaller mason jar full of moonshine, from a cardboard box that was lying on the ground. He gulpe...

Uncle Twootleminder then took another swig from a 2 liter clear bottle of moonshine, and licked his lips then puckered them tightly, as he approached the young man. He started to wipe his cinder filled glasses clear, until only black smudge marks remained. His eyes  moved haughtily to the left, to the right, until finding a small crevice in his eye lens upon seeing a clear picture of his long lost nephew. "I see yah now, Harold. I remember you" he put his rifle down near a baby carriage parked nearby "And I remember how much of a cheap con artist your dad was" Harold got up, jumped over the fence at the pig pen, and walked towards him with much excitement in his legs. He held out his hand that was full of pig manure, towards his Uncle. His Uncle laughed and tightened his clasp of his right hand against his nephews. "A little pig shit makes your lung stronger. Oh what the hay! My, have you changed since you were in diapers. You used to fill them diape...

The faded yellow and worn out mopad made its way over a hill, and through a valley into a well hidden area with lots of shrubbery and trees in a direction to which he thought he would reach his Uncles old dilapidated farm. A few backfire noises came out from the back of his mopad as he reached a wall of brush. "No brakes? Dad forgot to get to repair the brakes? I wish I had not clipped my toenails, I could have used them to smash the spokes and stop the bike! Damn the luck, I am finished! I just hope the bike survives so Dad can get to me funeral!" He smashed through the shrubbery wall, as the motorcycle shot over a five foot ledge into a pool of liquid pig manure. Harold flew one way, and the bike the other. He had found his Uncles moonshine hideout. Suddenly his Uncle rushed out of the shack with an AK 47 and began spraying the pig pen with a few well placed shots at the mopad, which just lay next to Harold. He shot out the last remaining right side mirrors on the ...

Harold was not doing anything at his house. His father screamed at him while he was eating his favorite peanut butter and mustard sardine sandwich, while watching the aquarium channel on pay per view. "Are you ever going to get a job boy! You have been out of school just over a full 12 hours now, and all you do is eat my sardines for my lunch at the football field and fill your face full of peanut butter! Darn it all boy, get a life for Gods sake!" he then threw a classified add at him, from Penthouse magazine. Harold immediately skipped over to the back end of the magazine "Why are all these women naked, dad? Do they live in some small tribal community in the United States? Oh, here are a few jobs! It appears Uncle Scantity has a job opening for his Maple Syrup farm! What luck!" Harolds Dad angrily grabbed back his magazine "You idiot, Harold. Uncle Scantity has a moonshine operation, and he is hiding it away from the Feds. Now, you get down there this ...

The Coach slapped Harold on the helmet again, as the unfair referee whistled for another unfounded tripping penalty on a Twizling Twirler player. Harold quickly set up his Tetris on auto play. "Coach, let me on the ice. That referee is not playing by any Old Age crib club rules by any rusty standard. I will use my cunning to win the game, and get us into second last place in the league. I promise" Coach Losington made whoopie under his arm, and gave a unconvincingly smiles "Sure, and Whales fart too that create Tsunamis. You are obviously no American Ninja. All my other players are either too fatigued or too tired of waiting at the hospital for X rays. Now, get out there and finally be a man!" Wannapus got out on the ice, and placed the knob end of his stick on the ice for to take the face off near the opposing teams end. The coach yelled out at him "Hey, you, idiot! Use the other side of your stick to win the face off, and stop showing off!" Ha...