World Narrow News presents a startling new discovery!
Jocki Ramphiti of Swaziland, has just invented what many consider to be a revolutionary move in toilet paper dynamics. He has a brand new patent on his groundbreaking toilet paper idea- A square toilet paper roll.
I interviewed Jocki, to get the sensation behind his new invention:
"Jocki, tell us the secret in the yellow mustard! What let you to invent a square toilet paper roll. I mean, obviously, we would think that it is going beyond our regular thinking convention. Have you just insulted our cave man inventor who invented the wheel? I mean, without him we would not have been able to get around"
Jocki- "No, I do not want to insult our cave man ancestor, who used to use trees to wipe himself. Well, it was quite simple back then. Unfortunately, we cannot grow trees next to our toilets. From my studies, the trees cannot rejuvenate fast enough inside of the house to keep the leaves flowing for total extraction. On another point, the law of physics tell us that a mass in motion tends to continue in motion, unless acted upon. Newton thought up that one, not me, by the way. But, when I used to turn my conventional, round toilet paper roll, it would sometimes continue to roll, causing me to lose precious tissue. Lots of precious tissue. And, when splatter the cat, who is brown by the way, would jump on the toilet seat, she would roll an entire roll on the floor.. Because of how easy it is to roll the round toilet paper round and round."
Interviewer- "Ok, hold on now, Jocki- You are saying this new square design will save on toilet paper, and is still quite effortlessly to turn, just the same?"
Jocki laughed- "Yes, a square roll. No more will the roll continue to roll until you lose half of it on the ground. No longer will a cat be able to easily finish your roll on the floor. The middle is square, so the rest of the tissue as it reaches the end of the roll sort of becomes a pleasant, oval state"
Interviewer- "Now you say germs on the floor, shit mites, cannot run up the tissue from the floor with this new design?"
Jocki returned- "Yes, but of course nothing is perfect. If you intentionally use your fatigued arms from wiping your bum, and continue to turn on the square roll, the tissue will hit the floor and the shit mites could crawl up the toilet paper, and contaminate the whole roll!"
Interviewer- "Thanks Jocki, for your inspirational take on this. Quite an invention, a square toilet paper roll. Pure genuis! What is next, Jocki"
Jocki- "An upside down Christmas tree. Much easier to pile up presents, under the tree. Once I get my million dollar funding from government organizations, we will begin its feasibility study!"
Interviewer- "There you have it, in a nutshell! Keep up the great work, Jocki. Reporting for Astro Power News, this is all for today!".