Tallingwood the pirate!
He walked into the tavern, showing off his shiny pistol at his side. His mateys were with him, as they all rushed in for some tea and crumpets.
Tallingwood yelled "I will have a green, organic tea, with my regular mildly toasted crumpet! And a sprinkle of honey. And, a full tray for all of my mateys!"
"Har har!", came a wild yell from his mateys. Pockethold, the pirate of the North Sea began to whisper to his 1st matey, Rascalo who were sitting a little ways from the fearsome crew. "Rascalo, did he not order organic tea? And crumpets? What kind of a pirate is that? Why do they all fear this man, he does not drink beer and whiskey like us. And eat chicken wings?"
Rascalo whispered back "I think tis nothing but a big show, sire. I think we should laugh at them, and show them who is the best on the seven seas!"
The bartender raised his hands and spoke feebly "We are all out of crumpets and green, organic tea, sir. I am so, so sorry sir!"
Tallingwood yelled in a dynamic voice "That is quite alright, chap. Get us each a tall, frothy, glass of milk straight from the cow, and a piece of cornmeal cake!"
That was enough to spark laughter from Pockethold and Rascalo, with Rascalo saying "Best you head down to the baby nursery, they have lots of milk and cookies for tough pirates like yourselves!"
Pockethold, the mighty pirate, got up "Yes, best you rabbit hunters scram out of our man nest! No more stealing our treasure from the merchant vessels, Tallingwood! Scram now!" Pockethold then revealed his pistol, from his deep brown overcoat.
All of a sudden, Tallingwood raised his hands to his side "Wow, wow that is a nice pistol you got there? I love the handy artwork? Is it of French design? Portuguese, perhaps?"
Pockethold kicked a table across the room, and the two men were now only 20 feet away from each other "This pistol is from the murky deeps of the Atlantic Ocean. I found it in a barrel full of treasure, and it never rusted during the months and months it was down there at sea"
Tallingwood winced at the shiny barrel which Pockethold soon revealed "My, I must say that is a beautiful weapon! I bet you it was zinc plated, as to avoid losing electrons to rust in the sea!"
Pockethold, who was now holding his pistol in his right hand, looked weirdly at his matey "What the hell are electrons? Who the heck do you think you are, the famous Rasputin? You are going to stop stealing from merchant vessels, when this bullet hits your chest and you spill your blood all over the place!"
Tallingwood grabbed his glass of milk from the counter "Let me at least, finish this delicious, white, satisfying, calcium bone building gift from the Gods, before you place me 6 feet under. Oh, I love it mixed with a little vinegar" He grabbed the vinegar dish, and poured some in "And Baking soda", then he mixed it with the top of his hand over it, and then quickly aimed it at Pockethold who got a powerful spray of the exploding mixture in his face and so did Rascalo.
He then ran to hit both Pockethold and Rascalo in the stomachs with his two fists at once, and then double DDT them into the floor. Both men rolled around in pain, and their pistols were taken away from them.
Pockethold pleaded "Please, Mr. Tallingwood. Have mercy! What was that drink that you had created? It could have blinded me! Please do not shoot us, you have proven to me why you are master of the seas!"
Tallingwood then sat down again comfortably at the bar "I will take a cup of expresso, please, and a cinnamon bun for all my mateys!"
All his mateys yelled "Hip, Har, away!"....