Skip to main content

Tallingwood the pirate!

Tallingwood, was the tallest, most fearsome pirate of them all! When he would place his vessel in pirate bay, all of the other pirates would quickly move their ships away from the best place on the dock, for him to anchor down. He with his might mateys would jump off of the ship at the dock, and go to the pirates tavern for some tea and biscuits.. You see, Tallingwood was an old English aristocrat, and he had no room for beer or drunkards aboard his mighty vessel.

He walked into the tavern, showing off his shiny pistol at his side. His mateys were with him, as they all rushed in for some tea and crumpets.

Tallingwood yelled "I will have a green, organic tea, with my regular mildly toasted crumpet! And a sprinkle of honey. And, a full tray for all of my mateys!"

"Har har!", came a wild yell from his mateys. Pockethold, the pirate of the North Sea began to whisper to his 1st matey, Rascalo who were sitting a little ways from the fearsome crew. "Rascalo, did he not order organic tea? And crumpets? What kind of a pirate is that? Why do they all fear this man, he does not drink beer and whiskey like us. And eat chicken wings?"

Rascalo whispered back "I think tis nothing but a big show, sire. I think we should laugh at them, and show them who is the best on the seven seas!"

The bartender raised his hands and spoke feebly "We are all out of crumpets and green, organic tea, sir. I am so, so sorry sir!"

Tallingwood yelled in a dynamic voice "That is quite alright, chap. Get us each a tall, frothy, glass of milk straight from the cow, and a piece of cornmeal cake!"

That was enough to spark laughter from Pockethold and Rascalo, with Rascalo saying "Best you head down to the baby nursery, they have lots of milk and cookies for tough pirates like yourselves!"

Pockethold, the mighty pirate, got up "Yes, best you rabbit hunters scram out of our man nest! No more stealing our treasure from the merchant vessels, Tallingwood! Scram now!"  Pockethold then revealed his pistol, from his deep brown overcoat.

All of a sudden, Tallingwood raised his hands to his side "Wow, wow that is a nice pistol you got there? I love the handy artwork? Is it of French design? Portuguese, perhaps?"

Pockethold kicked a table across the room, and the two men were now only 20 feet away from each other "This pistol is from the murky deeps of the Atlantic Ocean. I found it in a barrel full of treasure, and it never rusted during the months and months it was down there at sea"

Tallingwood winced at the shiny barrel which Pockethold soon revealed "My, I must say that is a beautiful weapon! I bet you it was zinc plated, as to avoid losing electrons to rust in the sea!"

Pockethold, who was now holding his pistol in his right hand, looked weirdly at his matey "What the hell are electrons? Who the heck do you think you are, the famous Rasputin? You are going to stop stealing from merchant vessels, when this bullet hits your chest and you spill your blood all over the place!"

Tallingwood grabbed his glass of milk from the counter "Let me at least, finish this delicious, white, satisfying, calcium bone building gift from the Gods, before you place me 6 feet under. Oh, I love it mixed with a little vinegar" He grabbed the vinegar dish, and poured some in "And Baking soda", then he mixed it with the top of his hand over it, and then quickly aimed it at Pockethold who got a powerful spray of the exploding mixture in his face and so did Rascalo.

He then ran to hit both Pockethold and Rascalo in the stomachs with his two fists at once, and then double DDT them into the floor. Both men rolled around in pain, and their pistols were taken away from them.

Pockethold pleaded "Please, Mr. Tallingwood. Have mercy! What was that drink that you had created? It could have blinded me! Please do not shoot us, you have proven to me why you are master of the seas!"

Tallingwood then sat down again comfortably at the bar "I will take a cup of expresso, please, and a cinnamon bun for all my mateys!"

All his mateys yelled "Hip, Har, away!"....


Popular posts from this blog

My Dog has ate a Ferrero Rocher.

I had only went into a store to buy a few Ferrero Rocher packages of chocolates... Then, I went into the next store, not realizing that I left the small, 3 chocolates per package, delicious Rochers in my middle vehicle organizer. On the way back, I did not even notice.

I had got out of my vehicle, and only when I went to search for something on that side, it all came together. The package was torn, with only one individually wrapped Ferro Rocher out of its packaging. She had selected one, and even tore the golden foil paper from the once existing Rocher Chocolate.

I looked over at my Dog. This was a little too much for me to handle. I yelled "Pushkin! You ate one of my Ferrero Rocher!"  Is she the only dog in the world that probably ate a Ferrero Rocher.

Good point in standing, she actually thought the process through. She did not destroy the three chocolates in the package, all in one bite. She used her incisors, exactly as a surgeon would, to take apart the package from t…

The Self Publishing 12 days of Christmas for 95 % of us...

What does Christmas mean for the majority of us self published authors. I think of the 12 days of self publishing... Scrooge approved.

1. The usual "Gesh, I didn't know you wrote a book! Where did you find time for that" from festive long lost friends or relatives.

2. When your manly friends tell you "Oh, I did'nt have time to read your books, but my wife read it and she sure likes it... But she likes just about anything she reads"

3. Where can I get a copy of that. I don't got a credit card so I can't order it online... Do you got any free copies...

4. The wife tells you "Why are you spending so much time on that thing. You got wood to split!"

5. Your son tells you "You should have put more pictures in that novel, dad. Maybe then I would have read it"

6. Your local library tells you "Oh, what a cute little book... We will put it way up there on the top shelf where it will keep the dust from falling on the traditional books"