The Vampire that became constipated! (Vampire Dairies eat your heart out)
He then went to his family doctors office, dressed in black, wearing sunglasses. There, he went to the admissions officer where she asked for his medicare card. Not having one, the lady screamed at him in a high pitched voice "I need to see your friggin medicare card, if you want some service today!". The Vampire then hypnotized the secretary "You will let me see the doctor without any problems at all". She acknowledged suddenly, "Yes, you will be the first one to see the doctor".
He rushed into the office, as the others gasped at how fast he was admitted- all ahead of the people who have been waiting for hours, just before he entered the room.
The Vampire then sat down uncomfortably in the chair, and crossed his legs "Doctor, I am constipated. I have not went to the toilet in 2 years. Can you help me get regular again? Only this time the pains are intense, and when I fly I let go a burst of methane gas. This cannot be good for the planet, and all the while the humans can hear me and try to hit me with their laser guided missiles". The doctor sat at his desk, contemplating the dire situation. The doctor realized that this may be a way to trap the Vampire, and get rid of his presence forever more "I got the thing for you! It is a little sweet concoction, that you take 10 times a day". He grabbed a bottle of strawberry extract from the bottom drawer of his desk, and while hiding the bottle under the desk, hauled off the label "strawberry extract" as it fell in between the vampires legs unaware to his super senses. He then handed the bottle to the Vampire, who thanked the doctor every so gladly! He walked over the extract label by chance, and flew out the window to his home castle not too far away.
He took the medication, day after day. He noticed no movement in his bowels. The vampire could no longer fly long distances. His stomach grew and grew, full of pooh, and now did not have the lift capacity to fly continually and in a straight line. There was one flight were he crashed through the roof of a bubble gum factory, and fell into a big gum tub. There, he just nearly escaped death as the locals ran after him, but each foot stuck and left an imprint of bubble gum for each step he had taken back to his castle. He was exhausted of energy when reaching his castle, just making it around the corner before the locals could lynch him.
His butler sighed at his masters difficult condition. He was close to death. The vampire now laid on his bed, and shouted in despair "The doctor, is no good. He will get a lousy rating from me on Doctors MD! I am done, butler. I cannot fly, I am too heavy full of crap! I can't hardly walk, my legs are spread to far apart now! What am I to do" The butler opened a flyer from a hardware store, and while the vampire overlooked his friends seemingly uncaring silence from him, his eyes opened wide when he seen the sale on small jackhammers!
The butler jackhammered all day, and all night long. Horrifying howls could be heard, throughout the whole town of Transylvania! Finally, in the morning, the last block of cement was freed from the vampires rear end. It was now early morning.
He took off his shoes in exhaustion. There, a small label fell to the ground. Strawberry extract. In a wild rage, he drank 4 cups of blood from his reserved stock in the house.
He flew like a rocket, with no radar from the missile battery detecting his flight path. He smashed through the doctors office window, and then pushed the doctor threw the wall into the waiting room. He slapped the strawberry extract label on the doctors forehead, and then screamed "Alright, ladies and gentlemen. I want to show you my second skill after blood sucking! Balloon animal making!" All of the people in the waiting room looked in shock, as the vampire hauled out the doctors long intestine. There, he made all kinds of animals by tying, blowing, in segments, giraffes, lions, and pigs. A little boy who was amused, spoke up "Mr. Vampire, please blow me an elephant". The Vampire yelled "Oh, of course, I can make anything out of his intenstine!". He blew a portion of it up, to a point where it filled one quarter of the room. Et Voila, a masterpiece.
The doctor sighed "Will you kill me now? What use do you have of me now. Finish it!". The Vampire laughed, "No, no, I will need blood supply from you. Did you not know that you are my only supplier? And you are my only doctor! All the doctors will not take any new patients, they are all full!".
And, that is now a real vampire story, eh Vampire Dairies, eat your heart out!!!