Sochi Olympic medal event- The snow decathlon!
First event, which incorporated three in total, was the run up to your nuts in snow until your testicles froze. Competitors ran around the track in their shorts, until their average ball temperature was the lowest of them all. Best times, those with the lowest recorded temperatures would win! This was done in the 1 foot, 3 foot, and then 10 feet deep snow, where contestants had to wear snorkels in order to breath around the track...
Second event, was the snowball artistic event, where competitors would launch their snow balls from a line, then catch it, then roll it down the line until it achieved a maximum mass. They would reach a near free fall slope of a hundred feet, where the competitors would have to land in their snow mass in order to reach the finish line. The huge snow masses that stuck together the best, and the competitor that did not need to be dug out with Russian Sheepdogs would win Gold! The imploding snowballs would be tested for any yellow substances, that could make them hold together much better.
Another event, the polar bear ice water bobbing for pumpkin event. Contestants who would smash their head into the pumpkins, and jump out of the frigid ice lake would do the best.
Of course, how can we forget the icicle shot put. In a glorifying minus 30 C, Dimotric Slabodat stuck his tongue on the 4 foot long icicle that was released from his hands... His tongue leaped out of his mouth like a Russian rocket, and made a new world record!
Then the snow figure making contest. A gold medal for a snow angel? Back in 1926, a simple figure like this could have won a medal back then... But, these competitors are now making much nicer snow background figures. Ronapidi Constapato and his wonderful rendition of a french Canadian "poutine" won the last Vancouver Olympic event.
The snow tunneling competition, pretty much caps off this decathlon of events! It was Jokini Rampoti who kept on tunneling until he hit the Ice Berg Palace Arena. He burrowed through the concrete with his steel shovel, and threw two high voltage power lines which shut off the power to the inline skating events that were ongoing inside the Ice Berg. Saved by his rubber gloves, he was forever more nicknamed famously, the "Rat" of the Olympics. He won a bronze medal, once the electricity blew a hole under and through the snow to the finish line...
Once again, we are all waiting for the Sochi Olympic snow Decathlon! Wings, beer, and pride, is definitely on the line!!!