Three great humor books, "The Supermarket Guy 1, 2, and 3 now available online at bookstores worldwide! Warning: Content may not be suitable for some viewers ( 14 +) http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1/185-3643275-1964029?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Daren+Doucet
Famous and well liked in the area Grandma Ponkatup winced at her two grandsons "You hook up that 5.92 L Honko motor to my chairlift, you better make sure it makes the California Emission standards! If not, you guys will have to pay to hook a metal flex pipe from its muffler into the old coal mine tunnel not so far from our swish cellar!"
Anissohi laughed and comforted his grandma with a big hug "Do not worry, Grandma. When that old Honko diesel motor chugs down the stairway, it will only idle, as the alternator will charge its 24 volt battery! You can feel assured by the violent seat vibrations that will occur when that rudely tuned motor vibrates you into a coma!"
Fruknuts sighed "Stop toying with grannie, and get your story straight! We will hook up the exhaust to the toilet outlet. From there, it will go under the sewer field bed right under her cucumbers. She will have so many she will have to hire a few green environmentalors to harvest em! Then they wil…
Grandma Ponkotup whizzed and whirred down the stairs in her electric chairlift like it was a magic carpet ride... Until, her electronic chair ran over her son Fruknuts tube of permethrin lotion for his crabs...
The stuff just squirted all out, and some got caught in between the banged up enclosure over the electric motor and gave Grannie a good shock...
So much of a shock, that she fell off the chair and tumbled and hurled down the stairs shouting "That last lobster is mine, that last lobster is mine, get your grubby hands off of it.. Get your grubby hands off of it now mister!"
Reviving those good ole days, of when her husband was alive... How he would try to out stage her in the county lobster cracking festival, all for to win a free deworming at the local detox center in the downtown city main street.
Fruknuts ran over and cried "My crabs, now I'll never get rid of em..."
Anissohi, his adopted brother screamed as he put a helium balloon up his Grannies mout…
Sure, Jokatuzuora could hit a ball far into the ballpark. Right into the bleachers! He had the speed and eyes of an eagle. It was the universal series game, game 7 that is, and tied in the bottom of the 9 th... He was brought from his stellar hitting carreer in the Antartica triple A, to his incredible Universal Baseball league years!
Jokatuzuora asked only of his Major League contract is to have a fat chicken dinner and a 5 gallon pail of beer! He was at bat now. He just had to swing the bat below his 60 inch beer belly, and be a hero! Some people say his oversized belt hanging through the last loop usually hit the ball after the second strike... After he loosened his belt buckle, allot! After hitting his 80 th home run this season, each ball exiting the ballpark and smashing someones windshield and cellular phone case, as usual, he ran around the bases and flipped over a loosely held second base...Well, this was no exception!
He hit that ball out of the ballpark! The opposing crow…
Rukkabunk looked up at his mother. He was carrying his prized yorkshire terrier abord the luxury cruise ship, the prestigious oil tanker "Black Sea Patches", as its rusty old sheet metal was thin and sometimes let out a streak of oil slick on top of the mighty world oceans.
Rukkabunk looked at pitiful, weak Jorumthium and laughed "I bet Jorumthium wishes he had a pet lime mine! My dog is some smart and sharp, probably way to intelligent for that 5 year old kid over there!"
His elegant red leather dressed, high heeled mom smirked and patted him on the head "Son, you know what I told you about belittling people! Do your best to show them that you are pretty much perfect in everything, and that they are lousy in all what they do! Then throw your Yorkshire Terrier head first at the little boy, and watch him bite his head off!"
Poor Jorumthium ducked near the side rails on the top deck of the boat, as the poor little Yorkshire Terrier flew over the deck... Ru…
It has been sticking with me for a long time now. The Supermarket Guy 5. The prequel to it all. The tough, senseless, youth stages of the incredible midas touch dude with the lucky rabbits foot in his smelly undershorts- Harold Wannapus.
Why not? If I have time on my hands, where do I put it... Actually, it would seem I should have better places to put it, but I am now thinking on a light novel like done with Part 1. Not complicated, just funny and whimsical. Capricious and unpredictable.
And done in E book, at a cheaper rate! I will not go back to paperback, until I see some showing signs of sale movements. Right now, I see not much to help a Part 5 along in paperback, but in E book well, who cares? The costs are so low, I can see myself writing up another...
Well, we will see how the storyline goes. How to incorporate competing high schools so that perhaps the great Jon Acadou and Wannapus unknowingly strived against each other for first place in some other sport or chess game! Yet…
Jokioanoma looked at his lovely ex wife Romanopaovi.
She had another man on his arm. One who would not forget, Valentine's day.
Sure Jokioanoma put the bread and butter on the table. Sure he cut the grass and smoked it too... Sure.. He was a real winner like the most of us...
When he seen his woman walking through the luxury car mall with her new man, he broke down and read her a poem from the bottom of his illiterate heart...
Sure Valentines has made me into a faker,
And I forgot about buying you,
Some pretty little cake and a 50 cent jawbreaker,
remember when you sanded the rust,
off of my old beaten up chevrolet omega with an inch of dust,
on its metal clade and half putty filled exterior,
but you made it look like the Taj Mahal interior,
you bailed hay,
you cut wood,
until you cut your foot,
you made food half frozen,
but eating it ten days after was golden!
I sure miss you in bed,
they way you read,
mysteries and vampire tales,
until you started to draw my blood i…
I was outside shovelling snow, when a neighbor seen me and came over to interrupt my shovelling. We began talking about borders and such, and new security things that were popping up everywhere, mostly in the form of biometric scanning.
We know certain companies have pay systems that have finger print scans... Some companies now have hand scanners, either for tickets for themeparks or entry into workplaces...
Then the debate came as he said perhaps it is 666, or the mark of the beast...
Well, I thought about it for a bit... I had read the bible when I was very young, and remembered a bit about it. I had not went to church now for a good year and a half due to my own personal problems at home... No time on my hands, actually to do anything... So I am no better than anyone else out there, that is for sure...
I replied that I was thinking that those hand scanners and finger print jobbies, are just like taking X rays at the hospital. I did not believe that we were there yet, and many dif…
Was at a grocery store tonight, picking up some items that we had forgotten about during the weekly supermarket visit. The lady asked me for my air miles card. She scanned it through. Then, she quickly showed me two coupons which led to an either or question.
"Sir, would you like 10 cents per liter off of your gas or 50 air miles added onto your card?"
I thought about it within a second, and replied.
"Let's just pretend my wife is not here, and lets take the 10 cent per liter gas coupon"
Laughter erupted just alongside me, as a women in her mid 50's began to laugh.
She said "That is so funny. Let's just pretend your wife is not here, that tone of voice you used"
Well, the lady and the cashier began to laugh hysterically.
I decided to explain "Well, it makes for a shorter trip when she leaves on the plane with her and her friends" I cajoled.
"For once I want something for my truck, she is not here so I can get a little bit back …
The nurses aids and event co ordinator set the both men back up in their chairs, after frantically slapping each other in the face a few times... Now they were far enough away so they could do no harm, as they rolled them into each a corner place in the large auditorium.
The even coordinator smiled and took the mic "Ok everybody, it is Karoake night will all of our senior home pals! Who wants to sing first? Who wants to give everyone a joyful, tear jerking melodies of our past memmories? Maybe a few love songs for our senior Level 4 love birds out there, or maybe for those workers who have developped love affairs with our patients, tee hee!"
Immediately Acadou and Wannapus raised their hands and nearly fell out of their chairs in competition. Both wanted to sing, and sing badly. All the others grumbled and sputtered in disgust.
The event co ordinator pointed to Acadou "Ok, you first Grandpa Acadou. Wheel him up here, please. What will you sing for us today?'
Grandpa Wannapus and Grandpa Acadou slammed into each other up and down the hallway at Silver Haven Level 4 care home in Dubai. It was a luxury Level 4 care home, with a la carte meals provided for the rich and famous. Their wheelchair wheels blackened the marble white floors at times while jostling, with their axles sparking at the wheels when one put their continuing shortened walking canes in between each others spokes. Acadou yelled when finally his cane was shortened so much that he got his finger caught in between the spokes. Grandpa Wannapus laughed. Finally they both arrived at the entrance at the same time, both falling out of their chairs and into the Karaoke hall.
The nurse and event coordinator hauled the two men up into their respective wheel chairs. She spoke harsh to them "Now, behave gentleman and no trying to poison or cut propane lines in an attempt to kill one another today, please. Enjoy the kaoroke, and please sing about how much you love the other one!&quo…
Harold phoned Jon Acadou, who was getting the his nose hairs pulled out via a wax job.
He picked up his state of the art 1 mm thick glass phone with neon blue soft lit buttons "Ouch... Ouch! Harold Wannapus, how did you get my number. It is unlisted in the phone book and is upmost secret!"
Harold scratched his forehead "I found your phone number in a womens washroom at boob zone, the newest plastic surgery outlet for women who have money and are looking for a big sugar daddy like yourself! Just like you, I mistakenly took the massive boobs for a set of nuts way up there on the door, and charged in to the chagrin of a few over ballooning women!"
Acadou slammed his fist on his powder pad. A massive cloud of dust erupted, causing him to cough "Damn you Harold Wannapus! Will you ever stop your madness and imagery of mindless lies!" He looked up at his beautiful bosomed woman who was waxing his nose hairs "Please, more powder on my forehead, please!"…