Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from December, 2015

Heliconiums New Year Resolution

Heliconium was at the local dance hall, twisting and shouting until he ripped his pants straight from his belt buckle right around and up to the back of his back buckle.

The disco lights shone down on him all of a sudden, as all the women giggled and laughed in hysteria. He was getting awfully close to a threesome New Years Eve kiss with Martigla and Ungula, the beautiful blond and brunette of the ball respectively, but not even his hands covering the front and back of his pants while doing a little two step could make any magic happen.

Immediately, Grandma Heliconium flung up her old style microphone with the electric cord and wrapped it several times around the dazzling disco ball as she sang "Crazy, crazy nights" by Kiss, The song thus ended, as she swept down from the large stage, and took out her needle and thread.

She flung Heliconium down on the floor and hollered "Start break dancing, remember that routine I showed you at the seniors home when I took an overdos…

Wishing everyone a very Wonderful Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all! Just want to wish everyone on Blogger, and visiting people, a very Merry Christmas!

This year has been a tough year for myself, personally. Losing a father, and another dear family member, made it for me personally a hard year of reflection.

With Part 4 still on the shelf and not in production, was the result of poor sales and a disinterest by the general public for my writings.

For 2016, the New Year awaits, and will not try to predict things as 2015 was one of the worst years I had ever past in my life. But, from these terrible tragedies and sadness in life, it is either we are made more tough or made more braver to face any other tragedy, failure, or any other bad news life may throw at us.

For now, I am thankful, for personal health and the abilities that I do take for granted, and I want to wish happiness and joy for all and those who do have it tough out there.

I think of you this Christmas, only wishing for a better one for all.

Like what I write here? A writer for hire!

Do you got a humor company? Or just an author needing a little more humor to your story?

Well, I am available for a hundred dollars per hour. Now, within that hour you may get between a 11 by 8 page or perhaps 5 pages of humor per time frame. Oh, and as a plus I want a bag of M and M almonds and a case of beer.

The work cannot be guaranteed though. If not, I you do not have to pay me anything! If nothing registers within the first hour or so, or if your topic is off of my scope of ideas, then nothing is lost to you! So yep, there is no guarantees, but you never know.

Yep. Read through here, and see if you like my humor style. See if it would fit your project. Your whatever.

And, you just never know, maybe I could help your project rise to the occasion.

If you need help, contact me through the comments section in this link. I reititerate though, between a page or 5 per hour. 100 dollars per hour. There are no guarantees, if within the first hour I have nothing. or even midway through …

The leader of the small island of post island at the Paris Climate talks

Abojumbo sat down at the head table at the world climate talks in Paris. He laid down his empty ceremonial whiskey flask, rolled out his worn scroll of papyrus as all the world leaders watched in awe as a few black colored butterflies rolled out. He motioned for the usher for to fill his bottle of whiskey, but the usher just shrugged his shoulders as Abojumbo stared down at his curled up scroll. He began to speak.

"Great leaders of the world. Great energy absorbing sponges of the Nations! It is me, Abojumbo and I have come to proclaim our sudden urgency. Sure, our land has the most house risen on posts in the world! Come and visit us, spend your money, as you will see through our specialty made glass floors a few sharks, and octopuses playing under our home at high tide.... At low tide, we can go out and fetch our supper after a few tuna lay bellied up outside of our coconut trees"

All of the great leaders gasped and sighed at Abojumbos plight... One of them got up and scre…

The guy who had two brains

"While I was on Mars, I realized that there was no outside restroom or play areas out and about the red planet. No dumpsters to collect unwanted trash. No ash trays to squash my super cigar made out of willow bark and recycled tires. This made me believe that I was truly sent up this way for a reason. Not only for my superior looks and brain power, but to make Mars a better place!"

All of the men and women from Genius Ville applauded in hysteria. He then raised his right hand and fluttered it in order to calm down the crowd that was so highly admiring him.

"Well, I took out a few of my luxurious cow bovine gelatin filled cushion relaxation chairs, my carbon fiber umbrella that should last a few thousand years, and then placed my smart TV across two electronic saw horses for a table for visitors to sit down and enjoy the view!"

Someone yelled out of the crowd "Can I be the next visitor to Mars, Braincell?"

Braincell winked at the person in the crowd "…

The guy who had two brains

Everyone in the little town of Genius clambered out of their houses and started hitting their musical triangles.

Braincell was back from his tour of duty on Mars, and he was bringing home lots of gifts from the far away planet for Christmas.

Braincell got up on a center staged podium in the middle of Genius ville. He got up to a microphone, which he grabbed and threw across the stage "Ladies and Gentlemen of Genius ville, I do not need a microphone. I brought home this special rock with a hole in it that I am talking through. It acts like a megaphone without any power source! Yes, I blow through it and it magnifies sound due to its sonic properties! I have allot of it in my super brainwave shuttle, and I will sell it to you for a special price of 20 dollars an ounce!"

Everyone applauded, and cheered, as Braincell continued to talk....

To be continued...  (Part 4 of the Supermarket Guy needs your help! Enlist in the 'Help Supermarket Guy' campaign today and be a real…

Beer caps make great Christmas Presents!

Yes, just like you I was out in the malls spending money like it was going out of style. Buying lots of pots, pans for the ladies and cigars for my pals! That is until I cracked open a few cases of beer one night, and in drinking the last one and sniffing the last cork of that empty brewskie, that it made me finally understand that the answer was right in the palm of the hand that very Dec. 24th Christmas night during Christmas mass. Well that evening I crawled into the house, elated with a headache that only a point of rum would heal. I went to work right away, like Santas little elves.

The beer cap!

The beer cap. I made a set of earrings out of a few Budweiser beer caps!

I then set out to make a few dime holders for my anxious cousins out of them too! A set of Coors beer cap dimeholders! Who would have thought!

Earphones. I sure went to work big time on that one, wiring all of the caps up in HiFi fidelity! A great gift for my non alcoholic friend Blurpatus. Miller beer caps went in…

A beer can can make many gifts!

A beer can. Do it anyway you can. Chrome them up with paint, punch a hole to make a candle holder, or just plain use them as stuffed ear muffs this winter. Be cool. Use a beer can!

Cut off the top of it. With one of those tried and tested true gadgets, the neanderthal can opener.

Use it as a flower pot. A pencil holder. Better yet, cut a smaller hole out of the bottom of it, use it as a beer funnel guzzler.

Beer cans. Send one to your mother in law, empty, of course, cut two small holes in the sides to push a pencil through the flat sides, and wind yarn around it for an hour or two after you are done finishing your other beer. Place a nice message under the yarn, like, 'I love you', or just plain 'remember me in your inheritance', or the famous 'bring a case over when you visit' really gives them great holiday gift ideas.

Beer cans. A message of peace and hope, for all to desire. How about not even bothering with fortune cookies this holiday season. Just write…